After a particularly disappointing measurement session two months ago, I kind of stayed away from the numbers. I obviously weigh myself, but everything else was banned. There isn't much more disappointing than working your ass off at the gym every day, to see that your bicep has gotten bigger. Not when you still have roughly 80 pounds to lose. The logical part of my brain knew that I had built muscle and that things would get smaller consequentially, but the emotional part said WTF!?!
So, like any skilled avoider would do, I put off taking my measurements again until yesterday. My clothes are all loose, and I have dropped almost 15 pounds since that disappointing day. But, I was still worried. Cori had to force me into the office with threats of 5 minute long wall sits, super setted with walking lunges... it got ugly. BUT! The news was good... great even.
I have lost two inches in my bicep, three from my waist, three from my chest, three from my hips, two from my upper leg and half an inch from my calf! I am pretty proud of all that. I am also only two pounds away from my year end goal of 20 pounds. I really think that for once, I am actually going to meet my goal. Maybe even before the end of the year. HOW COOL IS THAT!? Well, probably a lot more cool if you knew me, and knew about all of the false starts.
Jack Sh*t over at Jack Sh*t Gettin Fit, asked today in a repost when my Day of Reckoning was. I know that a lot of people had one day that they realized what they were going to do, and then they just... DID it. I had a bunch of days scattered over the past four years where I said, "this is stupid, and I am not going to do it anymore." But those decisions were fleeting, and often my good intentions were ruined within days. More recently, my resolve has been more trustworthy. Two and a half years ago, I decided to hire a personal trainer, and that really helped me get started, but I still ate like shit. So it took me a whopping year and a half to lose thirty pounds.
At the beginning of 2009, I kind of gave up again. School was hard, and I wasn't seeing any results, and I lost my job, and all these REASONS came to be why I COULDN'T lose the weight. It is amazing what you can convince yourself that you can and can't do. I am amazing at convincing myself to give up. If I believed in myself half as much as my family does, I think I would be in a much different place now. But, that's not the point. The point is, that my most recent I've Had It Moment, came when I realized that not only was I not losing weight anymore, but I was actually GAINING some of my lost 30 pounds back. Over the summer, I had my heart broken for the very first time. I kicked this girl out of my life completely, and told myself that I had to put me first. And then it was there. Not the I've Had It Moment: the calm confidence.
I've never had the calm confidence before. In my book, it is much more powerful than being fed up with my body and vowing to change. The calm confidence was the manifestation of years of trying to lose weight. I knew exactly what I needed to do, how to do it, and that it wasn't about focusing on what I would look like in a year, 6 months, whatever would motivate me before. It was about knowing that I was hurting more than I ever had before and the ONLY thing that would make me feel better was getting to the gym and sweating. I don't think I have ever had a moment of focus that has lasted as long as this. In anything. Maybe that's sad, but it makes me hopeful that I am growing and that I can stick to something and make it happen for myself.
So, in response to Jack Sh*t's question, I don't think my Day(s) of Reckoning have been the most important part of my journey. Sure they do fire me up and get me moving for a time. But that will always wear off. And when it does, I am still left with the old coping skills. For me, the change was when my coping skills changed, and when I realized the true power of NOW. Nothing matters more than this moment. That more than anything else is what I will take away from this year. And hopefully, by the end of it, I will be 50 pounds lighter than when I started.
